About | Why better writing works
When a customer is sitting with your brochure or website, good writing can make all the difference.
Great writing will draw your customers in. Clumsy, wordy writing will let people switch off after the first sentence.
Your writing will affect how your customers view your company too. What does it say about your business if your website, or brochure is awkward, full of mistakes and a struggle to read?
Below are a few examples of how some businesses could have presented a more professional front.
This ad was written by a nightclub owner looking for a business partner. We'd love to know how many people responded:
here is a oppotunity to be a 50/50 partner in a new auckland city night club..situated in the hart of it all...excellent location..phone for more details..auckland has a excellent thriving night life...venue consist of two bars...HI...THE CLUB IS SITUATED IN THE JETTY COMPLEX AND IS ON THE JAMES STREET SIDE...THE CLUB CONSISTS OF TWO BARS ,MAIN BAR HOLDS UP TO 250 THE SMALLER BAR WILL HOLD 150..WHEN THIS BAR WAS SEASCAPE IT WAS TURNING OVER $56000pw..THE BAR WILL BE THEMED AROUND POLE DANCING , NOT A STRIP CLUB BUT A CLUB WITH APPROX 14 POLES AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR AREA FOR LADYS TO ENJOY....GIRLS WILL COME IN TO DO DEMONSTRATIONS...WE WILL ALSO BE RUNNING POLE BATTELS THROUGH OUT THE NIGHT..THE CLUB IS CALLED POLAROID...AS FAR AS A PARTNER GOES YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL ANOTHER WORDS YOU COULD BE A SILENT PARTNER...BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THE PARTNER COULD ALSO SHARE IN THE RUNNING OF THE BUSINESS AND THE DAY TO DAY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE...PROFITS WILL BE HALVED AT THE END OF EVERY MONTH AFTER ALL BILLS ARE PAID..RUNNING COST OF THE BUSINESS WILL BE AROUND $10,000pw..THE BARS WILL BE MONITED VIA LAPTOP AND WILL BE ABLE TO BE VIEWED 24hrs HOURS A DAY FROM ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD...MY TIME IS VERY LIMITED SO I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE AS QUIKLY AS POSSIBLE...I MYSELF HAVE BEEN IN THE INDUSTRY FOR 25yrs...CHEERS ,
How we'd write it:
Here's your chance for a 50% share in an exciting new bar opening soon in the heart of Auckland City. I have 25 years' experience in the industry and am looking for either a silent or active partner to help make Polaroid the hottest new nightclub in town.
Polaroid will be a dance club hotspot, with 14 pole-dancing poles, nightly pole-dancing demonstrations and pole battles. Polaroid isn't a strip club; it's a place for clubbers to let loose and show off their best moves.
Polaroid will stretch over two full bars in the Jetty Complex, on the James St side. The larger bar will accommodate up to 250 people, the smaller up to 150. The previous business was turning over $56,000 a week and Polaroid will cost around $10,000 a week to run. Profits will be halved at the end of each month.
An innovative monitoring system will be installed. As a partner, you'll be able to keep track of Polaroid from your computer, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Opening night is coming up fast, so don't wait to get involved in this great new venture.
You can read this bit of text over and over and still not really get what they're trying to say:
Adopted the ultimate consumer-centric approach. Embuing the confidence to allow mums to redefine the relationship they want from us and to redesign the store according to their needs, rather than to our and supplier needs.
How we'd write it:
We adopted the ultimate consumer-centric approach and allowed mums to define the relationship they wanted with us. We redesigned the store to suit their needs, rather than for us or our suppliers.
